A First Ever in the History of Sailing Competition

Tiki Water Sports, Inc. in conjunction with the World Federation of Combat Sailing is proud to announce the first ever, history in the making 2014 TIKI WATER SPORTS SAILING DEMOLITION DERBY REGATTA AND MONSTER SAILBOAT COMPETITION.  This is the first competition of its kind to take place anywhere in the world.  It is a regatta which not only tests the skippers sailing and navigation skills but tests the skippers level of barbarity, cruelty, intimidation, and fierceness.

Points will be scored on the time it takes for each competitor to complete the race (if applicable); number of hits scored against an opposing sailboat; and monster design of the sailboat including intimidation and fear factor of the sailboat as well as the crew (points are deducted for wimpy looking sailboats and pathetic looking crew).  We want to see the beast emerge from your sailboat and crew.

Official rules are as follows:

Each sailboat will be a one class America’s Cup mono hull Sloop design sailboat twelve meters in length using reinforced armored plated steel.  Bowsprits are permitted with blunt battering rams both for the asymmetrical spinnaker and ramming opposing sailboats but absolutely no spear tip pointed bowsprits will be allowed.  All sailboats will be permitted two sets of replacement sails.  NO HIGH TECH WING SAILS ALLOWED!!!  In addition to sailing equipment, each boat may be equipped with a high pressure hand pumped water hose in order to flood and sink opposing sailboats.  Boats will not be permitted to be equipped with any electronic or fuel driven technology or propulsion whatsoever, this includes electric pumps, GPS, radios or diesel engines.  All boats must either be rowed or towed to the starting position.  Absolutely no deck mounted harpoon guns or flame throwers will be permitted under any circumstances.  All sailboats will be subjected to a thorough inspection by the United States Coast Guard for safety and Tiki Water Sports, Inc. as well as the World Federation of Combat Sailing for any design and/or weapons violations.

Each sailboat entry will be allowed no more than a crew of 12 crew members.  Points will be awarded for barbarity, ugliness and brutality of the crew however, all crew members MUST WEAR A UNITED STATES COAST GUARD APPROVED PERSONAL FLOTATION DEVICE; MUST BE SOBER (MEANING 0% BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL); AND BE FULLY CONSCIOUS, INTELLIGIBLE AND ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ALL OF THE COMMANDS GIVEN BY THEIR SKIPPER AND BE ABLE TO PHYSICALLY PERFORM THEM WITHOUT BEHAVING IN AN UNPREDICTABLE OR OTHERWISE CONFUSED MANNER. There will be a Stupid and Goofiness Competition at the post event dinner and festivities at which time all skippers and crew are welcome to return to their normal blood/alcohol level and make complete fools of themselves.  Tiki Water Sports, Inc. and the World Federation of Combat Sailing reserve the right to conduct sobriety tests and physical medical examinations the day of competition including but not limited to DNA testing of all samples submitted.  Any crew member found not to fit to compete will be disqualified; however, the skipper has the option of press ganging by any means whatsoever, violence included an alternate crew member, who also must meet the above mentioned criteria but to a lesser degree.  Helmets are highly recommended but not required.  Tiki Water Sports, Inc. and the World Federation of Combat Sailing are not liable for any injuries that are reasonably foreseeable in such an event.

The object of the race is to make it to the finish line (if possible) while attempting to disable or otherwise sink your opponent’s sailboat.  Any boat that does not score a hit during the race is automatically disqualified, and the skipper and crew will be official labeled as wimps.  The wimpy captain and crew will be painted completely in pink and must wear conical hats of shame otherwise known as the dunce cap. The opponents and spectators will be allowed to destroy or otherwise obliterate the wimp boat by using sledge hammers, incendiary devices and all manners of destructive force that can be brought to bear to shame and otherwise humiliate the wimpy skipper and crew. During the post regatta dinner and festivities the shamed skipper and crew must be subjected to embarrassing and humiliating punishments determined by a panel made up of King Neptune, Davy Jones, and Admiral Triton; the punishments to be decided by the panel or randomly by drawing slips of paper from a hat with the name of the punishment written on it. Competitors and spectators may also suggest suitably embarrassing and humiliating punishments as long as said punishment does not maim, dismember, or cause death. If all sailboats and crews score hits during the regatta then the distinction of being declared wimps and to be treated accordingly as previously described will go to the sailboat, skipper and crew whose boat sinks first and to the sailboat, skipper and crew that comes in last because quite frankly if they can be beaten that easily then they are wimps.

No Molotov cocktails or any incendiary devices are allowed on the race course during competition. No grappling hooks; boarding equipment; or boarding parties. No ordinance designed to destroy rigging and or methods to launch such ordinance are allowed. No hand to hand combat or water balloons, however, the competing sailboat and crew may knock an opposing crew member over using their high pressure water hose as long as the crew member was hit from a distance of no less than twelve yards. Disabling an opponent’s rudder is permitted provided that the above rules and proscriptions are observed. Finally the use of trained large marine animals such as whales to breach out of the water and fall over an opponent's sailboat is absolutely strictly forbidden.

Preferred beer of choice of
one of the regatta officials
who will remain anonymous.

All entries must be made in person at Tiki Water Sports located at mile marker 94.5 Key Largo, Florida on the Atlantic side of the Overseas Highway of U.S. 1.  No emails or telephone calls please.  The entry fee is a case of beer (kegs are always welcomed). The quality of beer that you use for your entry fee will determine your starting position in the regatta.  Tiki Water Sports reserves the right to reject any light beers, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Milwaukee or other crappy beer of questionable quality as an entry fee. Scoring and starting position improve tremendously for those who make a purchase from Tiki Water Sports especially if the purchase is the 2012 Horizon Cat which in that case you are almost certainly guaranteed total victory and the eternal gratitude of all of us at Tiki Water Sports. Top starting positions are also awarded for purchases of other high end sailboats, Hobie Cats, kayaks SUP paddle boards, Tohatsu and Torqueedo engines and especially our line of fiberglass cannons that don't go boom but look really cool if your going for the pirate look on your boat.  Even though we would rather have you buy a boat, we could throw in some brownie points for the other stuff we sell.

The deadline for entries is Wednesday April 30, 2014 at which time the date time and venue of the event will be announced.  Good luck and may the best, the ugliest, the most brutal, the most barbaric and most frightening team win.